[fic] A Hand to Hold

[moon_catcher]

Title: A Hand to Hold

Author: gina84 
Pairing: Akame
Disclaimer: In my dreams I can own anything… otherwise they belong to each other
Rating: PG

Summary: After his return from America Jin had to watch the already aired episodes of Cartoon KAT-TUN to learn what the program was about and get himself ready for his on screen debut in the show. Honestly, he didn’t think he could find something interesting there…more than interesting, actually.

A/N: This was supposed to be a nice, fluffy drabble inspired by CTKT 2… *sighs* except the story started living its own life already after two paragraphs so in the end it’s not a drabble and I’m afraid the fluff lies deep down under the surface if there is any at all *shot* ….. but but but ….. *glares at the rating* at least I finally managed to keep it PG!!! XDD

~


Jin was bored.

And unsteady.

A bit annoyed, perhaps.

For a reason he didn’t quite understand himself.

After the six months he had spent abroad the last few days back at home made him feel a bit like poor Alice after suddenly getting into the Wonderland. Not only did no one understand the great and damn funny jokes he had caught up in America but also reversely he didn’t understand people around him. And surprisingly this time it was not about reading and writing kanji at all.

This time the problem was falling deep under the surface of stupid difficult characters he had never had enough time or patience to learn properly or people speaking with weird accents… no, this time it was about the whole sense of what they were talking about or the way they were acting.

Not for the first time in his life Jin couldn’t but wonder how distant the two worlds he loved the most actually were.

He wished he could have been at two places at once.

Or finally being able to decide about where he belonged to, once and for good.

The irresolution sucked.

The decision about going to study abroad was one of the most difficult in his whole life, partly because he had never been forced to make any decisions by himself, anyhow. Things were just happening to him. But then the chance of going to America came up and he spent more than one sleepless night considering all pros and cons, trying to figure out what would be the best. He was still young and wanted to explore the world, have fun and experience some great adventure, and America seemed to be the place where all of this could happen. But at the same time he couldn’t overlook the little detail that going to America for whatever period of time would mean not being in Japan. Going to America would mean to abandon his career and band and his friends… and Kame.

Particularly Kame.

Yet already standing in the middle of the departure hall at the airport Jin couldn’t ditch the thought of his little best friend away.

Jin could only hope his decision about leaving was the right one.

He wanted to believe that if he was able to find out who Akanishi Jin really was and should be, he would be a better son and friend and teammate of the band, he would be a better person in general…

He had great time overseas, met a lot of interesting people and made friends he was sure he would stay in touch with forever. Life in America was different in many ways and he wanted to remember every single day, every hour…second. His staying there gave him memories he would cherish for long, and he wanted to share his experiences with everybody, talking and talking whenever there was someone listening to him, usually Pi and Ryo, even Ueda seemed to be interested which was kind of surprising but who was Jin to say no?

The only thing bothering him was the change having happened with Kazuya. He was not the little shy boy from before anymore. The Kamenashi Kazuya Jin was facing after his return was a mature, self-confident and strong young man. Suddenly it seemed, for their friendship, Jin’s leaving was not only for six months but for much… much longer.

He came back not having found what he had been looking for – mostly because he still wasn’t quite sure himself what exactly was what he had gone to America for, anyway, because no matter what had happened overseas, who he had met or what he had done, he was still the same Akanishi Jin as before – looking forward to have everything he had left once again, but to his disappointment nothing was what it used to be like.

The less Kame.

If Jin had wanted to sound dramatic, he would have said he had gone to America to change but the biggest change had happened right here in Japan.

Kame had changed.

And yet, deep down inside there was still the same little boy Jin remembered. Or at least Jin wanted to see Kame that way…

The cold and restrained attitude Kame was giving almost everyone during the official meetings was the reason Jin was always so surprised catching the fleeting glances Kame was giving him once in a while, encouraging smiles, poor and twinkling memories of how things between them used to be. And how Jin wanted them to be again.

However, he had no idea how to approach this new Kamenashi Kazuya. Or whether this Kamenashi Kazuya actually wanted Jin to approach him at all.

Jin was crouching on a couch in one of those a bit mysterious rooms of jimusho that no one knew exactly what they were designed for.  His manager had literally forced him to sit there and watch the already aired episodes of the new KAT-TUN show to make himself ready for filming the next one. Honestly, Jin didn’t see a slightest sense in watching the thing. After all the American talk shows he had been watching abroad the concept of Cartoon KAT-TUN seemed to be… well, strange to him.

What the point of the show should be again?

Jin groaned forwarding the ending titles and the opening of the next episode as well.

The only positive about the show was how spontaneous and cheerful Kame was on the screen. Already during watching only the first episode Jin had witnessed a whole spectrum of Kazuya’s expressions, happy, amused, surprised, suspicious, disappointed, cheerful, an unbelievable show of his smiles and laughter, from the shy one when the boy was not quite sure whether it was alright to laugh at the moment to those when his whole body was shaking and his legs were jumping up and tapping the floor, when he was clapping his hands, and seemed not to be able to stop.

The Kazuya Jin could see on the screen was the one from a long time ago when they all were still nothing but boys having fun. When they all were always surprised, and maybe a little scared, too, by what was going on around them. The Kazuya who used to dangle about Jin all the time being too unsure and searching for support and someone who would lead him through the mess of the entertainment world he had just happened to enter, not really sure whether to stay there or simply leave.

Not being for this, Jin would have stopped watching after not more than a few first minutes. Now he actually found himself looking forward to see more of the living shadows of his once used to be best friend.

Soon after the opening Jin got so absorbed in waiting for every time Kame appeared on the screen he even forgot to be interested in the host. Any other time he would have been surely captivated by a beautiful young woman right in front of him, but Kazuya sitting by her side was more than a distracting element…

Similarly to the previous episode, Kame’s expression was very easy to read, or at least for Jin, because no matter how much the boy could have changed, some manners stayed the same. His composed, single-minded look when the host was talking, the ease he laughed with, his sudden engrossment once a dog topic came up to the talk. Jin remembered Kame had never known how to stop once talking about dogs. His look always became a bit softer and his voice lower while talking, or even thinking, actually, particularly about Ran-chan…

Jin had been so drowned into watching the show, or more precisely particular moments of it, he didn’t hear a silent cracking sound of the door being opened as someone peeked inside.

The next moment the door burst open, though, making Jin jerk in surprise. He quickly turned around leaving the discussion about catwalking behind and not seeing Koki making an idiot out of himself.

“Found him, guys!” Junno shouted grinning at stunned Jin yet as always not noticing his irritated look. With that being said Junno entered the room curious about what Jin had been doing there, alone.

The rest of the boys appeared in no time, Koki and Maru first, both immediately noticing and recognizing the pictures on the screen, followed by slightly disinterested Ueda and lastly Kame who looked like he didn’t want to be there at all.

“Hey, that’s our show!” Koki pointed at the television, obviously excited.

“And here comes the top model Tanaka Koki!” Junno’s grin grew even wider at what Koki was doing on the screen.

The ‘real’ Koki stuck his tongue in response already ready to throw in a sharp remark when the screen caught his full attention. Only then the rapper fully realized what episode of the show they were watching. A smirk plastered on his face. For once he could ignore Taguchi’s poor attempts at being funny because only a few moments later there would be something much better.

“Are you having fun?” Maru asked Jin meanwhile earning himself a sneer from the other one

“Tsk. One leaves you unattended here for a while and everything is back in the Junior’s days,” Jin sighed. “We are supposed to be singers, ne? If I remember correctly, the group has already debuted and this –”

“When you are drinking with somebody, don’t you hold the other’s hand?” Kazuya’s voice asked in the background.

Somewhere behind Jin’s back Koki and Junno burst into laughing, even Ueda joined in which was rather rare. And moreover Jin caught a silent chuckle Maru let out as well. Jin’s eyes spontaneously found Kame who was leaning against the wall at the other side of the room keeping aloof from the others, his eyes glued to the floor. Jin couldn’t miss Kame seemed to be the only one not having fun over what was so obviously a collective joke.

Not that he himself was catching up with the rest of the guys, though.

“Now, now, now! It’s here!” Koki was almost jumping in gloat waving at the television.

“I do this even with boys…”

“I do this even with boys!” Junno cracked up repeating the sentence and suddenly he and Koki were in the same boat, the previous little jar already forgotten.

Ueda tilted his head. “Seeing it now again, he really did hold Koki’s hand for quite a long time.” He turned to Kame, his face indifferent. “I still can’t believe you said it aloud, Kame-chan.”

“I still can’t believe you held my hand for so long,” Koki added, much to tease his friend than because he would have really felt aggrieved anyhow. On the stage they were touching each other all the time, after all.

Kame audibly sighed. His eyes glimpsed at Jin, blinked several times and Kame nervously licked the corner of his lips. The small, almost imperceptible gesture made Jin smile. From the corner of his eye he saw the Kame on the screen did the same.

And suddenly Jin realized he found it cute.

“There is nothing –” Kame started defending himself but cut the sentence in the middle sighing even more than before. He avoided looking at Jin. “I’ve already explained it. It’s your fault you don’t understand. Or just don’t want to understand.”

“You know we are just teasing, ne?” Maru smiled at the youngest of them. His words were to not so much avail, though, because Koki was trying to snatch Ueda’s hand to hold it, grinning at the older one, both of them being wildly encouraged by Junno.

“Are you sure you don’t hold your friend’s hands?”

“Never”

Jin had no idea what the whole thing was about because the scene in the room didn’t allow him to watch the particular part of the show. He kind of puzzled out there was something about Kame, which Kame didn’t like or maybe felt a bit embarrassed of… and only when Jin wanted to ask, Kame took his leave not saying a word just quickly going out of the room.

Neither Junno nor Koki and Ueda noticed Kame had left, still too busy with messing around. The show on the screen moved to the next segment of the show but Jin was not paying any attention to it anymore.

He cast a worried look at the door then an inquiring one at Maru. “What has just happened?”

“Oh, that?” Maru chuckled, hearing Ueda’s shriek as Koki and Junno kind of teamed up against him and Koki finally managed to squeeze the older one’s hand while Junno was holding him still. “Kame was just once again talking first and thinking only afterwards, no big deal. They will find something more interesting soon,” Maru shrugged his shoulders beckoning his head to the rest of the guys.

The last thing Jin heard rushing out of the room was another Ueda’s cry and someone calling him back… maybe Maru. Most probably Maru.

But no matter how actually happy Jin was being back and being able to see the everyday little squabbles and teasing which no one knew where the line between fun and not fun should be for them, how happy he was for Nakamaru talking to him and being his friend… there was something Jin still needed to get back.

Without Kame he still felt like being thousands miles away.

In America.

Not home.

 

Not home.

Home…

Jin hadn’t had time to muse about all the mess popping up on his mind all of sudden because he already caught up Kame who was obviously trying to get away as quickly as possible.

“Kame, wait!” Jin made a few faster steps reaching for Kazuya’s hand and grabbing the younger one at his wrist. “Let’s talk, Kame.”

Kazuya stiffened, not that much because of Jin’s request but because of the hand holding his. He stopped, though, waiting for the other one to let go of him but Jin just kept holding him, not realizing it. Kame gulped, slowly turning around.

“Talk about what?” Kame got himself together a bit, his voice restrained as much as possible at the moment like this, when his heart was beating so fast and forceful Kame was almost afraid Jin could see it through his t-shirt and skin and ribs.

“Kame…?”

“Look,” Kame bit his lip, avoiding looking at the other, “I’m really not in a mood to listen also you picking on me so if Koki sent you after me for that, just go back and tell him to give me a break already, okay?”

Jin was staring at Kazuya, taken aback a bit. “Why should have Koki sent me? No one sent me! I was worried when you left all of sudden…”

Kame narrowed his eyes in suspicion as if trying to guess how long would be Jin able to keep his face. “Sure,” the boy breathed out a bitter sneer in the end. This was nothing but a stupid game, he reassured himself. Koki was so obvious!

However, Jin’s hand holding his was warm and comfortable, exactly the feeling Kame remembered from all the time back then when for one reason or another holding hands with someone – another boy – was not scandalous and was not making him look weird. When holding hands with Jin was right and not to be laughed at.

Sighing Kame gave up on trying to pull out of Jin’s hand, no matter how actually painful the touch was. Jin surely didn’t have a slightest idea what he was doing to him… The touch was burning.

With his free hand Jin scratched his head ruffling the dark, heavy hair.

This new Kamenashi Kazuya had a strange ability to make Jin nervous without actually doing anything. And Jin hadn’t decided yet whether it was a good thing, or, reversely, a bad one.

“Look, I’m telling you no one sent me, okay? Stop being paranoid and listen, I –”

“Why don’t you let go of me then?” Kame pointed out, still a bit suspicious. After all, Jin had always liked teasing him in many mischievous ways and only god knows what he had learnt during the last six months…

“I… w-what?” Jin’s eyes widened in realization as his look slipped down to where his fingers were possessively circled around Kame’s wrist. Even then Jin didn’t pull away, though. Biting his lower lip again Jin found courage to slowly look up at his friend again.

Kame raised an eyebrow in an unspoken question. His straight, serious face didn’t give Jin a chance to read what the other was thinking at the moment.

“Jin please, I’m sure you’ll have a lot of other chances to laugh at me for saying more than I should. Just let me go now… please.”

Jin himself couldn’t quite explain why he hadn’t released Kazuya’s hand already a while ago. He even tightened the grip, to both his own and Kame’s surprise.

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Jin stated.

“So you don’t think it’s cracking funny? Me holding hands even with…” Kame noticeably hesitated, once again wiggling his hand to get it out of Jin’s hold, but not being able to do it he gave up, “… with guys?” He sent Jin a pleading look, looking as vulnerable as Jin hadn’t seen him for a long, long time.

The pieces were slowly fitting one into the other and Jin, not oblivious to what he was doing, moved his grip from Kame’s wrist to take the other’s hand.

Kame blinked at the sudden change.

“I…” Jin was lost.

No longer did he understand anything.

The only thing he knew was that right now, in the middle of an empty hallway, holding on to Kazuya’s hand, Jin felt like finally finding the place he belonged to. And he was kind of sure the actual place had nothing much to do with this comfortable feeling.

“I…I don’t like you…holdinghandswithguys,” Jin blurted out shooting his eyes down to the floor, his face slightly blushing without him realizing it.

“W-what?” Kame knitted his fine eyebrows. What was this supposed to mean? “I d-don’t… Jin?”

“Please don’t hold hands with guys,” Jin kept on his rambling. Only slowly he raised his eyes and looked at Kame, frowning in both agitation and embarrassment.

Seeing the older one like that, with his drenched puppy eyes and in a situation that couldn’t have looked more ridiculous, Kame let out a soft chuckle.

“I can’t…”

Jin frowned even more. “What?”

“It’s you who is holding my hand now,” Kame answered in a low, gentle voice. He forgot about his previous worries and decided to enjoy Jin’s closeness. Having Jin near was what he had been yearning for the last six months after all. “You have to let me go first.”

A strange shadow Kame couldn’t quite puzzle out crossed Jin’s face just before his thumb slightly caressed the back of Kazuya’s hand. “That’s…” Jin cleared his throat, “that’s different.”

Kame couldn’t believe his own ears, or better he was afraid of believing only to be disappointed afterwards. Jin surely didn’t mean… he couldn’t… The slow moves along his hand were making him slightly dizzy. He had been wishing for a moment like this forever, already losing any hope when Jin had left, but now Jin was… and the touch… and Jin’s look… and Kame…

“Jin…?”

“I just…” Jin was still more than confused by his own thoughts but Kazuya’s hand in his own seemed to be just right and he wanted to hold it forever. “I don’t know, Kazu, I just…I think I want to be the only one holding your hand,” Jin managed to put into words the only thought that seemed to be louder and more insistent than the others. And shyly looking at Kame he met a warm smile he had almost lost all hopes to ever see again.

Never breaking the eye contact Kame carefully pulled out his hand only to entwine his fingers with Jin’s, for a moment waiting for Jin’s reaction but Jin didn’t back off anyhow. “You should stop thinking about it, it’s not like you.”

Still trying to comprehend what happened Jin hesitantly smiled back.

And only then the realization fully sank into his senses. He had had to fly over half of the world, spent there six endless months of not knowing and blindly searching for something he himself hadn’t quite known what it should have been – only to come back and find it here, right here in Japan. At the place where it had always been… within his reach.

In his once used to be best friend.

The feeling of security and living and trust and love only Kazuya could give him.

This was where he belonged to. His fingers fitted perfectly into the spaces between Kame’s, as if the two of them were just two pieces of puzzle.

And Jin didn’t want to be scattered anymore.

 

~ THE END ~

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A/N2: Hope the fic makes sense *gets bricked* As I said, the story started living on it’s own and all my plans flew out of the window and because there is still a paper I need to finish for one of my courses I can’t spend more time with this one…. *sighs* But hey!!!! PG!!!! lol Gina has just written PG O___o Anyone else than me liked it??

 

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