[fic] Pinky Promise - chapter 9

[moon_catcher]

Title: Pinky Promise 9: Lost

Author: gina84 
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG - NC-17 (PG-13?? here)
Disclaimer: In my dreams I can own anything... otherwise they belong to each other

Summary: They made a promise. But as time goes by will they be able to keep it?

A/N1: Everything had changed. It just took some time before they realized it.

Previously...
Pinky Promise 1: Seishun Amigo
Pinky Promise 2: Real Face
Pinky Promise 3: Special Happiness
Pinky Promise 4: She Said...
Pinky Promise 5: Care
Pinky Promise 6: Precious One
Pinky Promise 7: Someday for Somebody
Pinky Promise 8: I'll Be with You

*NEW*

9. Lost
 

Aching
Just like this
Violated inside
Unable to break free
If we look up at this beautiful sky
Maybe we can be innocent again
It’s never late to make a change

 

Middle of July 2007, a hallway in Jimusho

There were things Kamenashi Kazuya had never forgotten.

He remembered the day he entered Johnny’s. He was sitting in a room together with the other boys who had come there that morning and now it was already late afternoon and they had spent together the whole day but didn’t know much more about each other than a few hours ago. They hardly caught the names of the others and even if they had introduced each other they forgot about it somewhere along the seemingly endless audition. Singing. Dancing. Singing again. Talking about nothing and everything. Answering questions their young brains couldn’t really understand but all of them were too excited, confused, uncomprehending, tired or naïve, and mostly everything at once, to ask why there weren’t their parents with them to answer and make decisions. None of them had time or courage to realize the parents didn’t have to be there because they had already made the decision sending their sons to the audition, anyway. One way or another all the parents dreamt about their children becoming a star. No one worried about the price for that, the dreams their children had, the dreams sometimes way different from those of the parents… the dreams they would have to give up sooner or later because being a part of the entertainment industry usually devours all the time. Kame didn’t want to think about it back then. It was still too soon anyway because they might have not chosen him. With his eyes lowered to the floor Kame had already counted how many legs the bench on the opposite side of the room had and multiplied it by the number of benches there. Not that knowing the exact number of the bench legs in the room was something he couldn’t have lived without but it was better than just sitting there with his mind completely blank. Most of the boys around him were nothing more than bundles of jittery nerves as if being accepted to Johnny’s Associated was everything they had ever wanted and failing would be the end of the world. Kame raised his head not quite sure what he should look at and his eyes met those of the boy sitting across from him, dark and sparkling, and whose face Kame was able to connect with the name the boy had told him before. Akanishi Jin. Kame kind of liked him, his carefree attitude and sense of humor and the spike way of teasing everybody around, and somehow the good thing was Akanishi Jin was teasing everybody else but Kame, only making sure Kame could see all the jokes and laugh at them. Maybe… Kame conceded as Akanishi-kun slightly nodded at him and smiled… maybe being a part of Johnny’s Juniors wouldn’t have had to be as bad as he had thought first if it had meant being a friend of this boy as well.

And he remembered the day of his very last baseball practice. As well as many other boys Kame found out it was impossible to keep his hobbies along with all the rehearsals and work obligations… He remembered going to a training one day, all happy and excited about the next game, and the other day taking a train in the opposite direction instead, heading right to Jimusho, frowning all the way and even almost crying as he felt like he was losing something too important and precious. Something he had thought he would have never been able to live without. And that was all for his being-a-professional-baseball-player-dream. Before he could fully realize it he was dragged into the world he had never intended to belong to in the first place. The day when Kame lost his dream his by that time already best friend Akanishi Jin made him sneak away from the rehearsal and treated him an ice-cream trying to cheer him up promising there would be one thing Kame would never lose – him.

Kame could also clearly remember the day he saw Tanaka Koki for the very first time. The excited expression in his face, eyes flickering all around him and his easy and open interactions with the other boys waiting in front of the studio before a next group was called for the audience. And as Kame finally spotted an empty seat and wanted to sit down the grinning boy with ruffled hair quickly moved and wedged there giving Kame a smirk and gaining himself a few chuckles from the boys sitting around. Sighing Kame went past the seat he had looked out for himself but that was occupied now, the soles of his shoes scuffing on the floor with every step, then leaned against a wall and tried to avoid looking at the boy’s direction. At the moment Kame was more than sure he could never become a friend with someone like that. And he thought so even a few minutes later when Koki was telling jokes so loud Kame couldn’t not hear every word, and he even couldn’t suppress a corner of his lips to curl up into a hint of a smile, though. Tanaka Koki maybe wasn’t that bad, after all, Kame changed his mind after a while of listening to his jokes. But before he got a chance to go to him Kame felt a nudge in his ribs and turned around. A slightly older dark haired boy quickly let his look slide Kame’s bony body eyeing him then made a little bow. “Akanishi Jin,” the boy introduced himself straightway, his eyes narrowed and a fringe of thick hair falling down his forehead. “You wanna sit there? I could punch him,” he suggested. And Kame felt he was immediately blushing, shaking his head vehemently. No more was he minding he wanted to sit down a moment ago because his legs hurt and he was tired. “I-I think I can…stay here,” he finally mumbled and looked up at Akanishi Jin. The boy shrugged his shoulders and propped himself right next to Kame observing the other boys waiting in the room.

Who would have said back then, seeing all of them for the first time, one day it would be Koki and no one else Kame would come to looking for comfort and solace? Kame remembered that day, too. The day Jin announced his leaving without any reasonable explanation. The day Kame’s heart got broken for the second time in his life. When he had lost baseball he had overcome it somehow having Jin by his side. Now, when he was losing Jin, the boy Kame could have once sworn would never be his friend appeared out of nowhere putting his hand onto Kame’s shoulder. Koki didn’t say it aloud, Koki didn’t enounce anything with big gestures yet Kame understood the unspoken promise well. Koki would be here for him, Koki would be his friend. Koki wouldn’t leave. Kame wanted to believe it would be enough.

And somehow it was. During days it was. During long and exhausting days when he was working harder than anyone else trying to run himself out and if the rehearsals and filming and interviews still weren’t enough for him to come home and just fall asleep immediately then there were always Yamapi and Ryo and a few beers waiting for him to help him forget for a while. But still there were nights when it wasn’t enough, nights when he wasn’t tired or drunk as much as he wished to be. Sometimes the nights like these were completely sleepless with him only lying on the bed staring at the ceiling above him trying to think about the next day’s schedule or in a loop repeating lines of a new script he got. And then, Kame remembered the one particular night when it started perfectly, there were nights full of dreams about Jin. About them standing on a beach and looking at the sunset, about Kame raising his hand and patting Jin’s shoulder. About them being told they would star in the next season of Gokusen and how important their possible success was for the whole group. About KAT-TUN finally debuting. I want to know myself…We can’t do this…But you like it…This is wrong… I’m sorry…About him and Jin crossing the thin line they had been balancing on for so many months. That’s not what I mean… We will finish what we have started, soon. And this time I’ll make sure there will be no one to stop us… The line between what they once used to be and what they had never really become, the line where Jin laid Kame onto a bed and slowly unbuttoned his shirt, their looks locked and breathing becoming heavier, Jin’s hands roaming all over his chest and Kame closing his eyes the moment their lips touched. I want it, I really do… Jin’s hands sliding lower and playing with the rim of Kame’s jeans, Jin’s hand touching and eventually disappearing under the denim and Kame arching, his body making a high span and a moan escaping his parted lips. The touch…so warm, so good…promising so much more and Kame wanted it all. It had been so long since he had wanted something without being actually said to want it… Jin… He opened his eyes and another moan slipped his lips, only this time a moan far from a pleasurable one, this time it was more a groan of discontent as Kame blinked and Jin was gone. We can’t do this. I’m leaving, Kazu… Kame remembered all the mornings when he woke up all tensed up and aroused, his whole body hurting. The mornings when he had to get up and shamefully rush into the bathroom to take care of his lower parts.

Kame’s memory didn’t fail even in remembering when the dreams stopped. With time he had got used to them and when they were suddenly gone he thought he would miss them, first. They had been comforting him, giving him a feeling Jin had been with him. A dreamy feeling that had been soothing him and giving him strength when Jin hadn’t been here to do it himself, a feeling far away from the reality Kame was living in. The reality where KAT-TUN released a new album and the concerts had been planned and as if it wasn’t enough they had their own show now and none of them could take the liberty of living in a dream. The less Kame, suddenly standing in the lime-light all alone. And that was when Kame woke up, after so many weeks, months actually, he woke up well rested and ready for a new day, for the future.

Back then he thought the dreams were a closed chapter.

But now, as Kame was standing under the stream of water with his forehead pressed against the wall of the shower in resignation, one hand placed on the wall to keep his balance and the other one working on his arousal, the boy groaned.

As if what had happened a week ago after the concert wasn’t already enough. As if he didn’t have enough problems even without dreaming about Akanishi Jin. Again.

Kame panted, the moves of his hand down there quickened until a sharp breath left his throat as he found his release. Yet he didn’t feel a bit better than before, deep down inside him it still hurt. The water kept pouring onto his back and he stayed still for a moment, eyes closed and slightly parted lips shaking.

This was wrong.

What he had done was wrong and he knew it. There was no excuse for it, no explanation. And a part of him wished he could hide from the consequences, just disappear to never be found, but he couldn’t. The work was waiting for him and as Koki alluded while calling yesterday, Jin would be there today, too.

Kame turned the shower taps closing the hot water and adding the cold. He quivered and gasped at the coolness pouring down at him all of sudden.

Maybe he could stay exactly here and just wait until the water melted him, never again having to face Jin…

The reality wasn’t interested in what Kame wanted in any way though and an hour and twenty minutes later Kamenashi Kazuya entered the Jimusho, tired eyes and the dark bags under them hidden behind aviators.

If he was lucky he would meet Jin not before the others came, too. Like that he could have had a little more time, he could have thought up what to say.

Because one way or another it would have to be him initiating the conversation, apologizing and explaining, finding the way out of this situation…


“Kame?”
The sobs slowly faded away. The grip around Jin’s neck reminded, as well as the hot fitful breathing burning out a sear into his skin with every breath out.
“Kame…?”
Jin’s clouded mind was slowly returning to the aware state realizing what had just happened. Kame’s body was still pressed against his and Jin couldn’t have moved even if he had wanted. The moment was far away from any dreaming, more than anything it was awkward and Jin sighed. He should have stopped it…
The room was suddenly all silent.
Jin loosened the embrace around the younger one’s trembling body a bit and raised one hand caressing his sweaty hair. Right now he had no idea what to do. Comforting his band mate after a stressful night was one thing but making out in the process was something way different. And on the top of everything it wasn’t just any of his band mates, it was Kazuya. Kazuya carrying along all their past together…
And getting lost in the memories of what they could have had but what never really became theirs Jin closed his eyes, holding Kazuya and stroking his hair, hoping the touch could wash away all the bad events of tonight.
Suddenly Kame fidgeted and with a hold onto the other’s shoulders he tried to push Jin away. His consciousness kicked on and he found himself being hugged and pressed against another body, against the body he knew too well despite that he had never got a chance to actually get to know it.
Kame gulped.
His head was spinning around and his mind was blank but the voice screaming at him this was wrong. Jin didn’t want it, Jin just came here worried and he… Kame’s eyes shot open. He fidgeted again getting himself a little space because with their bodies against each other he could feel Jin was still hard and that wasn’t helping him to think clearly at all.
Everything what had happened was twirling in his head and then finally Jin moved but Kame didn’t dare to look at him, to look into his eyes since it had always been the easiest way to know what Jin was thinking about. And right now Kame was quite scared of knowing it.
“Kame?”
Clumsily pulling away Kame got off of Jin’s lap and stood up. He cleared his throat before spoke up and still, until the first word came out of his mouth Kame was a little unsure whether he would be able to speak. “I…J-jin…this…” he licked his lip, his legs shaking and heart beating in a frantic pace, “I have to go, I have to…the others –”
Jin wanted to do something, to stop Kame from leaving, to stay with him for a little longer, and they wouldn’t have had to do anything just sitting there perhaps, not touching and not talking… just being there, feeling the other would have been there, too… he had been missing that feeling for so long…
He even opened his mouth to speak…
…but Kazuya was already at the door holding on the knob.
“You can’t just leave!” Jin blurted out, a bit desperately. Not that he actually cared about how desperate he could sound. One moment he had Kazuya right where he wanted him so badly, in his arms, and the other one there was the whole room between them. He felt like being used and thrown away but when Kame turned to him, and even in the dimness of the room Jin could see the sadness and pain in the other’s eyes, he realized Kame had no idea what to do with what had just happened as well as Jin had.
Kame gulped.
He should have stopped it…
Now it was too late.
“I’m sorry, Jin, I’m… I have to go,” Kame mumbled just before opening the door and left into the dim light in the hallway.
Jin blinked at the blunt sound of the closing door and roughly running his fingers through the dark strands of hair he leaned backwards laying onto the bench.
Fuck…fuck. Fuck. This was bad.

Jin’s fingers were nervously tapping the phone inside his pocket as if the flicking touches could make the phone start ringing. He was waiting for a call that he kind of knew would never come, the phone would never start ringing and if it did the caller wouldn’t be the one Jin wanted to hear.

He had tried to call Kame a few times after his sudden leaving from the dressing room but the call had always ended in an annoying voice mail. And though Jin had no idea what to say he was sure he didn’t want to say it like that. He actually didn’t want to make that talk by phone at all.

After two days he started to be worried a little because Kame didn’t answer to any of his calls and Jin didn’t know whether the other one was avoiding him on purpose or whether something couldn’t have happened to him…

And Jin was almost so desperate and scared that he was even about to call Koki to ask if there was something wrong with Kame… But then, Jin didn’t make that call though. What if Koki had really known something?

What if what had happened between him and Kazuya didn’t mean anything, didn’t change anything? Or else… what if it only made everything worse?

Jin sighed and rounded a corner heading to KAT-TUN dressing room to leave his bag there before going to a scheduled production meeting. It was actually quite a surprise for him that he was chosen for the lead role in a television adaptation of Yukan Club. Did the agency decide to give him a second…well, third actually…whatever…chance? He had been on a blacklist after they had found out about his relationship with Uehara and he naturally thought that Johnny-san would keep him away from everything also this time, maybe even more…

But then again, not allowing him to participate on the entertainment activities would have meant less money for the agency, after all. And if there was something Johnny Kitagawa was good at then it was the awareness of how to make a big money.

Sneering bitterly Jin rubbed his face and when he opened his eyes a second later and looked up he froze in surprise. From the other end of the hallway Kame was slowly approaching him fully drowned into typing a message on his phone so he hadn’t noticed Jin yet.

Jin really wasn’t ready for this meeting and his eyes quickly checked the situation. There was a corner only a few steps in front of him but no way could he make it in time for the younger boy not to spot him.

And only when Jin took a deep breath Kame’s eyes raised up and their looks met. Even from the distance between them Jin saw Kame shuddered and held his breath and his already pale face became even more sallow.

Kame nervously licked his lip and gulped, the hand with the phone sagged down inert. He didn’t sleep well for a few last days and the flight from France, where he had been for a weekend, back to Japan didn’t help him to rest too much. He hoped he could postpone meeting Jin as much as possible but apparently this wasn’t one of his lucky days.

“Jin…”

Jin slightly nodded. “Kame?”

Nah, and he had thought the situation between them had been already awkward enough after his return from America. Jin sighed. Maybe it would have been better if the things had come back to where they had been back then. With them not talking if it hadn’t been about work, with them ignoring each other most of the time.

Kame made a few slow, irresolute steps forward. “Jin, I…I…”

“You could at least answer my calls. Can you imagine what I was thinking about? How worried I was?”

Kame blinked. “Jin, what –?”

“I tried to call you like million times!” Jin almost shouted overwhelmed by a sudden rush of temper, steeling himself against the want to embrace Kazuya. “You had to find all the missed calls!” With a fierce move Jin ran his hand through his hair scratching the pate. “Where the hell have you been anyway?”

“I…” Kame took a deep breath. “I don’t have to explain you anything,” he tried hard for his voice to sound composedly and cold, repaying the older one the offensive tone. Yet deep down he was trembling like a rattled child.

He desperately needed to keep a distance between them. After what had happened more than ever.

“But if you need to know I was in France with a friend.”

“A friend,” Jin repeated tartly.

And Kame’s eyes went wide. He wasn’t quite sure what the reason for him getting all huffy was, maybe the tone Jin said the only word with or maybe he had been peevish already a few days and all this was just the last straw needed.

“Yes.”

Searching Kame’s face Jin’s eyes narrowed.

“What?” Kame rapped out. “You wanna see pictures or something? Sorry, Jin, there are none. Unlike someone we both know I’m discreet enough not to be spotted and publicized on the front page.” – That was low and seeing the hurting shadow crossing Jin’s face, as the older one remembered what had happened with Uehara more than clearly and even something Kame had no idea about, Kame for a moment regretted his words but it was late. He had to keep going. – “And even if, it’s none of your business anyway.”

Jin sighed. Great. They were exactly where they had been after his return. Kame was giving him exactly the same cold attitude. And Jin couldn’t but think it might be better after all.

There was no what if waiting for them…

There never had been one.

They were only too blinded to realize it.

“Then tell me, what’s my business?” Jin retorted. No more did he know how to talk to Kazuya. He was nervous about every word and that was apparently making it harder for him to think clearly.

“Jin…”

“No. No Jin.”

Kame staggered.

“Tell me what I am good for, Kamenashi. Because obviously it’s not to worry about you.”

Kame lowered his eyes, suddenly more than interested in the checker pattern of his sneakers.

The awkwardness lying between them was growing thicker with every second passed, their feet seemed to glue to the floor and they couldn’t move though at the moment they both wanted nothing but to disappear.

“No one said you have to worry.”

“Great. And maybe I don’t have to be here at all.”

Kame’s face got even paler than it already was due to lack of sleep and psychical exhaustion. “Maybe not,” he said coldly.

The two simple words were all what was needed for the waves of rage to get boiling in Jin’s blood.

No more did he know how to talk to this Kamenashi Kazuya, restrained and starchy, his eyes telling Jin with every look Jin wasn’t needed here anymore. The Kamenashi Kazuya that was so far away from the shaking, vulnerable boy who hugged Jin only a few days ago in the darkness of a dressing room desperately searching for oblivion.

That boy was gone and the realization hurt.

“Anyway, it’s just a matter of time when you lose interest in KAT-TUN and leave again.” Kame bit his lip. So much for trying to resolve the situation in a calm way. It might be better if they didn’t talk to each other anymore, simply forgot about the past and were nothing but two work mates, after all.

“That’s what you want?”

No. No, no, no. But instead of letting out the only word that kept repeating in his head Kame looked up with the harshness Jin had already known too well and that was like a heavy black curtain hanging between them, with a few holes in it that allowed Jin to see Kame he used to know once in a while.

But the holes were more and more rare and one day, and the day didn’t seem to be far away, there would be none. That day they would become strangers completely.

Jin should better get used to it.

“That’s what you want at the first place,” Kame made a step wanting to pass Jin by and continue in his way. “And no one holds you here. As I said, we don’t need you and –”

“I can’t need you.”

“I can’t lose you again.”

“And who will help you jerking off if I leave? Your precious Aya?” Jin blurted out cursing himself the moment the words slipped down his lips.

Kame froze. Then turned around.

SLAP!

Instinctively Jin’s hand darted up touching the hurting cheek. His eyes met Kame’s ones, dark with pain and disbelief and consternation.

There was no hint of anger though, and that was a good sign, Jin concluded.

“Kame…”

“Enough.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t…”

Fuck.

The sudden blow brought at least a bit of senses into both their heads clouded with a compound of many intense emotions. They calmed down, their minds finally compliant with listening one to the other.

“It was one of those nights,” Kame whispered letting out a sigh. “I know it’s not an excuse and I’m sorry.”

His palm burnt and even in the artificial lighting of the hallway he could see Jin’s cheek getting red. Only then he realized the strength he had had to use hitting the older one.

Jin didn’t deserve it… He did nothing wrong. Not this time, he was not the one to be blamed for what had happened…

Kame was afraid as never, clearly remembering his dream and he felt an urgent need to throw up.

He had tried so hard and then only one night was enough to disclose all his weakness. But he couldn’t take the liberty of being weak, he had responsibility now, and he couldn’t let what happened ruin everything he had been working for so hard. He had given up too much.

One weak moment.

One weak moment and Jin around, and Kame’s world was about to shatter into pieces once again. His composure and sanity were threatened, and he knew he himself was the one to be blamed for it, way more than the older one. But the truth also was that before Jin came back, Kame’s life was somehow working out. With Jin, everything was slowly tumbling down.

Kame took a deep breath and finally gathered enough strength to look at Jin, his eyes blank and pleading. “It was a mistake and it will never happen again. Can you…” Kame gulped. Jin had seen through his mask and there was no avail at holding on pretending, keeping the distance and being cold towards each other. Because now Jin knew. “Could we – please – act as if it has…never happened?”

A cold shiver ran down Jin’s spine after hearing those words.

He knew it was the one and only solution. He wasn’t the one to persuade Kame they could work everything out somehow and be… what? Happy together? Bullshit. They couldn’t. They never could have, or at least not after Johnny-san had found out. Yet hearing Kazuya saying it aloud, making the final decision and tearing the little dreamy hope Jin had been keeping inside since that night after the concert, and maybe even longer, it hurt no matter what.

But there was nothing else they could do.

Kazuya had a girlfriend, anyway, and what happened was nothing but a result of strained nerves and exhaustion from rehearsals and concert.

Suddenly Jin realized he wasn’t blaming Kame. Not at all.

He just hoped he would be able to face the younger one again not thinking about his hips rocking against his own and Kame’s lips nibbling on the crook of his neck.

“W-we,” Jin cleared his throat, nervously scratching his head again. What was the right to do in the situation like this? “We should.”

Kame blinked, he hadn’t been expecting it could be easy like this. “Really?”

“You said it yourself, it was a bad night. You needed to forget what happened and I was there.”

“Thank you,” Kame mumbled diverting his eyes as he felt a blush infused into his face. He gulped. “And now…?”

Jin once more rubbed his hurting cheek. “I…don’t know. Colleagues…perhaps?”

“Promise?”

“Pinky promise.”

Shut up!

Ditching the unwanted thought away Jin looked at Kame and felt as if something inside him died with the word being spoken. Colleagues would never be enough to replace what they once used to have.

Kame licked his lip. “Colleagues.”

It was still better than nothing.

 

 

Middle of April 2003, Photoshooting for Myojo Magazine

“Ha? ~ No!”

Kame turned to Jin flicking his head in a rash move, immediately regretting the action, though, feeling a sharp pain in the back of his neck. But that couldn’t hold him back from joining the older one in his loud protest.

“No!” Kame wailed.

The photographer delegated taking today’s photo shots sighed putting the camera down and looked at the two boys who were standing in front of him, not cooperating at all. The taller, light haired one was pinning him with half-closed eyes and a stubborn and refractory expression, even pouting and puffing, while the other one, smaller and skinny, was glaring at him back in disbelief, as if waiting for the whole request to be turned into a stupid joke.

But it wasn’t a joke.

“Do I look like joking?” the photographer grumbled peevishly. He was more than fed up with the boys like these, as if they were already big stars or something… “Stop complaining and kiss each other.”

Hearing that once again Jin puffed out a snarky scoff.

“I’m not going to repeat it,” the man persisted on his words not minding the wayward boy and his obstinacy.

While Jin was fighting a killing look war with the cameraman, Kame was standing aside blushing. He really couldn’t believe the man – and the magazine editor at the first place for asking such photos for the next issue – wanted them to do something like that. He threw a side glance to Jin and swallowed hard.

“I’m not kissing Kamenashi,” Jin pouted folding his arms in front of his chest. “You can’t make me do it, I’m not gay, okay?”

“And we are standing in the middle of public area,” Kame quickly joined in, “we would look weird anyway.” Biting on his lower lip Kame quickly looked around to make sure no one of the people passing by was much interested in what was going on. It was a lunch time and they were standing in Shibuya near the train station with a lot of office workers and managers rushing for their lunch rolling by.

“We would look weird? That’s what bothers you?” Jin gasped. “I don’t give a shit what anyone would think spotting us but I’m not going to….to…” the boy gulped unable to make himself say the k-word again, and to say it to Kame in addition, “just not.” Jin ostentatiously pretended puking sounds but was interrupted by a coughing cameraman.

“Come on!”

Jin pouted. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” he was mumbling, a frown crossed his forehead as he tried to avoid even looking at Kame.

“Just put your faces near each other, okay?” the photograph gave up sighing heavily in annoyance.

The two boys exchanged a short look, as if trying to read what the other one thought about the little change in bidding.

As always Jin’s expression was easy to read, and not only because Kame had already learnt how to read his friend but simply because Jin had never been good in hiding of what was on his mind.

Kame licked his lip, eyes roaming all around again because facing Jin directly was just too embarrassing, hands buried deep into pockets.

“We are not going to get stuck with this forever,” they heard the crabbed voice of the photographer again.

And Kame sighed, giving up first. “Ahhh,” he rubbed his flushed face with both his palms, trying to silence the screaming voice in his head that was telling him what he was about to agree to was everything but right. Would he really have to kiss Jin? And Jin would… Kame’s eyes went even wider if it was possible as his mind finally proceeded the whole picture.

Would Jin kiss him?

Kame shuddered.

But hearing Jin silently cursing made him chuckle only a moment later. It was hard to explain, and Kame himself at the first place felt more than confused – because Jin was right, they were both boys and kissing each other would make them gay – but then, and that was scaring and perplexing Kame the most, he realized that if it was with Jin it was not that bad.

Because Jin was his friend.

And suddenly everything seemed to be a bit easier. Kame gathered the shreds of his professionalism and his head was once again calm, at least as much as it was possible for a boy of his age in a situation like that.

“Jin,” Kame turned to the older one, “let’s just do it to be over it soon, ne?”

First Jin opened his mouth taking a breath to say something sharp but facing Kame’s raised eyebrows and pleading look he just uttered a curse and nodded. “Okay.”

Kame hesitantly followed the instructions approaching Jin. His hands were sweaty and Jin’s blank stubborn stare wasn’t helping his nervousness at all. And Kame couldn’t ditch the thought this was not good idea at all. He tried to recall a memory of a moment he had ever seen Jin’s face so closely but he couldn’t remember any.

Of course there surely had been moments when their heads had got near, very near, but not a single time Kame had been aware of the closeness like today.

Kame bit his lower lip closing his eyes as Jin’s blushing cheek was getting closer.

Holding his breath in a disgusted anticipation, lips pressed together tightly and with his eyes pointed to a random spot behind the photographer, Jin was waiting for the touch of the other boy’s lips on his cheek. His mind had already made up an image of how dry and wizen the lips would be… He could already sense Kame thrust out his chin, the lips slightly pouting…

… and Jin shrugged in resentment.

This was just absurd.

“Aaawh!” Jin shrieked springing back to get himself away from Kame and from the hot breath he had felt against his skin, the breath hotter than the heat in the air.

Kame shied, too, not sure what he had done wrong causing Jin’s voice to go into the infamous high-pitched tone.

The cameraman rolled his eyes, as if he could get even more annoyed then before. “Akanishi-kun, Kamenashi-kun, please…”

“I.Have.Just.Felt.His.HOT.Breath,” Jin rapped with emphasis on every word springing his hand up pointing at Kame then at his own face. “Right.Here. – On.My.Cheek.”

Kame frowned, a tremble rushing down his whole body. “Maa~…Jin!” he whined, “don’t say it like that, okay! That’s disgusting!” A part of him actually felt relief that Jin diverted and he didn’t have to finish the kiss, but the other part knew well now they would have to start all over, no matter what.

“Disgusting?” Jin gasped. “I’m the one to be disgusted! Your breath – on my cheek!”

“Akanishi!”

Jin gave Kame a snarky look. It was hard to believe Kame was actually willing to participate in this nonsense. “What?”

“Both of you!”

Kame and Jin turned around following the voice that no longer was at least a little friendly and patient. For a second Kame even thought the man would press their heads together all by himself not waiting for them to do it anymore.

Jin let out a howl. “Okay, okay.” He gave a little nod glancing at Kame. “Just hurry.”

He was hissing through the gritted teeth all the time Kame’s head was getting near once again, thinking of the cute girl he had seen a few days ago in the audience of the latest Shounen Club. And paying the whole attention to the thought and his own breathing he somehow managed to almost forget about Kazuya –

Jin forgot he had ever seen any girl the moment Kame burst into laughing just a few inches away from his ear. “Sooo red!” Kame was chuckling at Jin’s reddened face. He had never seen his friend blushing so hard and the look was just ridiculous.

“Shut up!” Jin sizzled getting even more embarrassed.

“You should see…” Kame chuckled again. Having a chance to see Jin like this was surely worth of everything what was going on today. “You are like a tomato!”

“I’m not,” the older one shot him a piercing look. “Don’t you dare to say something like that again! Ever.”

“Okay boys,” the photographer butted in, “time for a change. Now Akanishi-kun will kiss Kamenashi-kun.”

Kame’s eyes immediately grew into the size of a tennis ball while Jin groaned running his hand wildly through the thick strands of his hair scratching his head.

Neither of them could believe they still hadn’t ended this.

Sighing for what could have been a millionth time in the last few minutes Kame turned to Jin and his breathing halted. Jin was staring at him with a salacious smile that should have, together with the mischievous sparkles in his dark eyes, warned Kame against anything what could come but somehow didn’t because Kame’s mind was way too occupied with following the tip of Jin’s tongue that was suddenly brushing over the upper plump lip.

A voice in his head was telling him Jin did this on purpose to tease him, of course there was nothing hidden behind that gesture! But as much professional Kame could have been convincing his head this was nothing but a work, the same work as standing on a stage singing or performing a random skit, he was also a seventeen-year-old boy with loudly screaming hormones and all the talking about kissing – and now Jin sticking out his tongue in that too sensuous way – really scared Kame as nothing else.

He blushed.

This was getting to be more than awkward.

Jin pouted sending him airy kisses and Kame could swear this was one of the moments when he really wanted to kill Akanishi Jin with his own hands.

“No,” Kame breathed out, “I can’t, I can’t. I can’t,” he kept repeating the objection. He caught Jin’s mocking smile but really didn’t care.

“Of course you can. Hurry up.”

Jin’s face got serious again looking at the impatient photographer.

“This is stupid,” Jin snapped. Right now he was already pretty much annoyed himself.

There really had to be something odd when even Kame was refusing to succumb. Kame had never refused anything work-related, always following the rules and meeting all the requirements that had been laid upon him…

Jin took a breath. “Who wants to see us kissing each other anyway?”

The question seemed to be nothing but simple. And the answer for it should have been simple as well.

But it wasn’t, and the photographer didn’t have to say a word because both Kame and Jin knew it too well.

It was hard to understand and even harder to meet demands and expectations then.

They were best friends and Jin didn’t know about anyone else to name if he was asked about the most important person in his life.

And he really didn’t mind the two of them were always paired together during photoshootings or interviews. Having Kame by his side almost all the time was fun. Jin wanted them like that forever, even after KAT-TUN would debut eventually – and Jin didn’t doubt the day would come, and maybe sooner than they thought.

But things like this, pretended holding hands and hugs on a stage…kissing…, things like this had been staining this precious friendship because Jin didn’t know much moments worse than listening to the screaming crowd chanting his and Kazuya’s name as if they belonged together, as lovers…

– The word itself caused Jin goose bumps. –

…or something.

Kame’s puzzled look took Jin back to the reality and a moment later he found himself mumbling a silent apology to Kame for making fun of him before. They had to handle this together.

It needed a few more minutes and a little too much of closed eyes and gritted teeth, tensed bodies and a cursing cameraman, reluctant getting into uneasy closeness and unintended fleeting grazes, a bony shoulder touching bony shoulder followed by a shriek, a muffled hiss and a weary sigh, but finally they were done for today.

Not waiting for anything Jin fished a phone out of his pocket and quickly dialed a number going a little aside to have privacy for his call. But his loud grumbling and cursing was heard anyway, no matter that Kame really tried not to listen.

“Nah, I’m telling you, Pi – I will never do something like this again. Ever, you know?” Jin stated bursting out in a burning need to complain about what had happened today.

Kame bowed to the cameraman and the rest of the staff there thanking them for their work, hastily packed his things and left.

He had already learnt to see when Jin needed Yamapi and not him. And he was actually happy for that now because he wasn’t sure if he would have been able to face Jin directly after all.

Today was just odd.

 

 

Beginning of September 2007, KAT-TUN rehearsal

Jin sighed.

Already for the whole afternoon he had been trying to focus on memorizing steps for the performance they would have next week and he was bored to death since he didn’t like the choreography at all.

Being at one side of the studio with Nakamaru and Ueda Jin could only watch from afar the other corner where Kame was fooling around with Koki. They were messing the steps up on purpose only to laugh at each other – and together, being observed by Junno who was occasionally cheering them on from over his game console.

“Come one, Jin, once more and we are done for today,” Maru’s voice broke the string of Jin’s thoughts bringing him back to their current doing.

Jin shook his head diverting his look from the couple across the studio. The last thing he saw was Kame tip-toeing around Koki with one hand gracefully raised above his head while the other one was pointing at Koki, tips of the fingers brushing over the rapper’s shoulders and back.

Jin sneered in a het-up grimace. “What about them?” he asked without having to specify the them part.

“You know how it goes with them,” Ueda stated coming up from nowhere and standing by Jin’s side, “Koki manages distracting Kame’s attention for a moment and then Kame will stay here till morning practicing to the perfection as always.” And giving Jin a nudge Ueda was urging the other to concentrate on the work instead of watching those two.

Jin sighed again then rubbed his eyes and with all his might tried to ignore the other end of the room while Maru aligned himself with him and Ueda and after counting down all three of them started the steps sequence with a bunch of spins and jumps and a lot of waving hands.

Much like most of the group’s choreography also this one wasn’t exactly what would have Jin chosen if he had had a word in it. And sure as hell he would add a few more hip rolls when they would dance on the stage later…

His moves were flaccid, his body just moving as if being wafted by the air tacitly following the moves he could sense on both his sides. Jin even closed his eyes for a moment. He could dance the damn thing being woken up in the middle of the night and having to repeat it the whole afternoon was driving him crazy.

Well, not as much as being in the same room with Kame and Koki, though, hearing Kame’s laughter at Koki’s jokes.

It was not right. Kame shouldn’t have been fooling around with Koki.

Jin was the one Kame should have been having fun with. Jin should have been the one helping Kame to relax during the stressful and tiring work.

Although they had agreed on being colleagues, Jin – and Kame for sure, too – could feel there was big difference in how they were acting towards each other and the others.

In their case being colleagues meant not being friends.

And Jin missed it more than anything.

He would have given up anything for a chance to turn back time and never follow Kazuya into the dressing room after finishing shooting his part of Real Face PV.

With that thought Jin opened his eyes, regretting doing so straightway though, as his look met Koki’s face nearing Kame’s, even the quick peck that followed.

Jin messed up the steps earning himself a smack from Ueda while Nakamaru insisted on starting the whole dance over.

Completely numb, Jin didn’t say a word doing exactly what he was said while Kame’s loud chuckling filled the room. Kame gently clapped Koki’s cheek pouting, turned around and picking up a towel from the floor on his way to the exit joined in a part of the dancing before finally left the room for good.

Koki then grabbed Junno and dragged him to the other side of the studio to the rest of the boys.

Jin gave the rapper a sharp side glance and as soon as he made the last step Jin rushed out to catch Kame in the dressing room.

The door shut close and Kame started up.

“What was that?” Jin blurted out the moment he entered the room.

“JIN!”

Kame blinked, being suddenly raided like this completely startled his mind and all his previous thoughts about today’s practice and his plans for tonight and even his tomorrow’s schedule – a thing he had never forgotten about before – vanished away leaving him blank.

And only as Jin’s jerky moves were getting near Kame slowly came back to his senses. The numbness was alternated with anxiety and confusion.

The moment was faintly familiar.

“What was what?”

It had been already a few weeks since he hadn’t seen Jin upset like this. In fact they somehow managed to keep truce, a very very fragile one but it allowed them to work together, and that was the most important for KAT-TUN.

But now Jin was here with flames glaring out of his eyes and Kame didn’t understand it at all, flicking his look over Jin’s shoulder with a futile hope the door would open again and someone, anyone, would enter.

The imaginary clock was ticking but nothing happened.

They were still alone.

“Jin, what’s wrong?”

Jin brought his hand up ruffling the messy, sweaty hair. “Koki kissed you and you let him.”

Fuck.

He knew he shouldn’t have been bothered by that in any way, for god sake he knew how things were working in the industry and he knew there was nothing between Kame and Koki, nothing but a harmless teasing and the ingratiating game called fanservice. He knew if there was anyone he should have been jealous about – if he had a right to be jealous at all at the first place – then it was Aya-chan, the girl Kame had been dating a few months already and whose name could be heard at least once a day as if Koki didn’t have another topic for conversation.

Strangely, for one reason or another, Jin didn’t really care about Aya, maybe because he had never seen her and like that he could keep living in a dreamworld deceiving himself.

Jin tried to calm down.

Maybe it wasn’t about the kiss at all, he was persuading himself in the next moment feeling Kame’s puzzled look. Maybe what annoyed him the most was the fact he had been witnessing scenes like the one a moment ago already for months. It had been Kame and Koki now, not Kame and Jin anymore, the two of them sitting next to each other during interviews with Koki joking and talking most of the time, or when the group was split for photoshootings Kame and Koki were always together…

An old image soaked through the web of his memory and Jin remembered the moment in the dressing room when he had told the others about his leaving.

Koki and Kame.

That was the point where it had started.

And he himself, Jin reasoned out, had given Kame the cause for turning to Koki.

“What?” Kame didn’t get it at first.

“You let him...”

Oh god… “And that’s your problem?” The perfectly shaped eyebrows raised in disbelief. Kame rolled his eyes. "That...it wasn't even a kiss anyway for god sake!"

He was well aware of how fragile was the line he and Jin had been tottering on. The present-day atmosphere between them was a lot like the one he remembered from the times after their debut.

With one big difference though: the Kame from then had been lost without talking to Jin and not having the   older one near while the Kame of today could master his feelings and acting well. He had learnt how to live without Akanishi Jin, after all.

Or at least he thought so letting out a silent chuckle. “Actually Koki thinks we should do it during the next concert. To draw fans going crazy.”

“What?” Jin couldn’t believe his ears. "No."

He had been in the industry for quite a long time already but this was something he had never understood.

All his life he, as well as the other boys in Johnny’s, had been forbidden to date any girl, he actually couldn’t be even seen with any girl, and a physical contact of any kind seemed to be a disaster of the same intensity as a hypothetical volcano eruption in the middle of Shibuya, but every now and then he was pressed to hold a hand with another boy from the agency, to hug them during concerts and shows…and oh god that was so embarrassing and weird.

Why the hell would anyone wanted to see something like that? The question had been haunting him most of his life and with years it was only getting worse. The reasons for him asking that had changed, though.

No longer was he a teenager disgusted and annoyed by the idea of looking gay. Today he was asking what the point of it was – the most important should be the music, not an acting that was only flouting their work as musicians.

“Who wants to see us kissing each other anyway?”

Kame sighed. “Come one, Jin. It’s just a little fanservice, no one will die, you know? The only effect will be a bunch of screaming girls. Why to make a fuss about it?”

“So you are okay with it. No objections to being kissed by Tanaka.”

“I told you it's not a kiss! And no, no objections. It’s my work, Jin. The same work as back then when I had to…” Kame started the sentence without realizing the end of it and then it was late, “…kiss you,” he cleared his throat.

Jin’s eyes widened.

Without knowing how, they had already entered the forbidden area.

Jin gulped. “But we were still children.” Words got suddenly difficult to be spoken. “And for what I remember we didn’t like it. We were not exactly laughing our asses off!”

Their eyes met a moment later and Kame staggered a little being hit by realization. Jin’s eyes had always been an open book to read, mirroring every thought on the boy’s mind. And Kame could read in that book all too well.

“You are my best friend, Kame. And you always will be.”

“It’s not only a ring.”

“We are what we are. This will never change.”

“…I won’t let you destroy everything we…“ – I – “…have worked hard while you were away.”

“I can’t lose you again.”

“Colleagues.”

“Promise.”

Had they really thought anything of that could have worked?

“You said it yourself, we were children, and kissing each other was just weird because we were friends and we didn't understand why they wanted us to do it. But we are not children anymore and if letting Koki kiss me raises the sales then I can do it. Because unlike you, apparently, I have learnt how to separate my work and my life.” Kame looked away breaking the eye contact with Jin, his body shook under a wave of frisson. He obviously hadn’t learnt the whole lesson. Jin was supposed to be his colleague and nothing else… but he wasn’t. “If it’s for work, I can let Koki kiss me. But it doesn’t mean I’m enjoying it, okay? I might be able to mask it but the heart of the merit hasn’t changed…”

Jin breathed in.

It was about the peck with Koki. He didn’t like it at all.

Kazuya was right. Fuck the promises. They had come to not being able to keep them anyway. They were not friends and they were not colleagues either.

They could stop trying on now because it was pointless. They always ended up at the very same spot – in a dressing room, panting and angry and aching.

“You are wrong,” Jin wheezed taking a step closer to Kame, “everything has changed. We are not children anymore…and I want to kiss you.”

“Jin…”

A silent plea slipped down Kame’s parted lips but he didn’t put on any effort to stop the other one from capturing his mouth in a desperate, bruising kiss. This wasn’t just a dream anymore. This was his too living nightmare.

They couldn’t be just colleagues.

And they hadn’t been friends already for long.



----
Next part: Pinky Promise 10: Seiten no Hekireki (A Bolt out of the Blue)

A/N2: Yosh... ^_^;; Written in a rush during Christmas. I'm not sure how much satisfied I am with this chapter because my mind is already occupied with exams which starts next week >.< I won't be able to write during January at all or only something short and quick... but I'll bring you the next chapter as soon as possible!
 

 

Comments

[nana-lytama.livejournal.com]

I still love this:)
So much frustration and the way they are suppressing everything... it's really upsetting, you know that? I just want to yell at them or something *laughs*
The scene with the photoshot was amusing, reallyXDD
Thank you for updating and good luck for the exams:))

[moon-catcher.livejournal.com]

I think I know what you mean - I want to yell at them, too lol but I really don't know many people who would atually sit down and talk through their problems ^_^;; Everybody just keep it inside untill it explodes *sighs*

XDD the photoshoots in the Myojo issue were amusing, too! I really can imagine how much they didn't like the whole kissing-thing back then ^_^;

oh, thank you, luck is definitely something I will need. A lot...

Mine spot

[mouter.livejournal.com]

Spot for me, will be back later :P

Re: Mine spot

[mouter.livejournal.com]

Good luck for exams!

So much frustrations, loneliness and emptiness too. They both feel empty without each other. And the way you express that... was so breathtaking. You're really good in this. Really. Awsome.

Re: Mine spot

[moon-catcher.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear!
I know, I'm kind of letting them drown into angst >.< And right now I don't like school because I can't continue the story!! Mou~ I want to write!! *sighs*

[azluv.livejournal.com]

thank you for update^^
but the font is killing my eyes
i'm going to read it via my cell then

[pinkporca.livejournal.com]

I read this whole story yesterday and really really liked it. Man I know it is fiction, but sometimes I wonder what really happened to the two of them at that point in real life. I was not aware of JPOP and KAT-TUN until 2009 so I don't know the history too well. I hope you did well on your exams. I also hope you can finish this story as it was exceptional.

[moon-catcher.livejournal.com]

wow, thanks for reading!!
For some reason it always surprise me people really read this. Of course I'm happy because it's my first Akame fic and in the beginning I had like zero idea what I was doing ^_^; Plus I'm still pretty much struggling with all what I WANT to say and what I am ABLE to express in English >.< that could be one of the reasons for the slow updating of this fic

I think I know perfectly what you mean. In some way this fic is my try to understand what might have happened (lol in an Akame fangirl way, of course). So yeah, I'm definitely going to finish this, sooner or later ^_^;;
Thanks for your concern, my exams have gone well so far and I should be soon able to (almost fully) concentrate on writing and lj again :)

Awesome

[kamakazuya.livejournal.com]

I like it so much..but did I missed chapter 10?

Hugs
Pikka

Re: Awesome

[moon-catcher.livejournal.com]

Hi there... un, nope, you didn't miss anything. Next chapter is still not out ^_^;; I had some rl crap going on and couldn't concentrate on writing it. But I'm already working on it now :)
thanks for taking time and reading this one!! *hugs back*

Re: Awesome

[kamakazuya.livejournal.com]

Puhhh...thx.
Hope you can manage all.

Hugs
Pikka

[hana62.livejournal.com]

Oh oh I love it XD I've read all the chapter today.This fic make me wonder if Akame's real life is like this.And I hope you still think about continue it XD
Thank you so much ^_^

[moon-catcher.livejournal.com]

thank you!
though I must admit that this fic has no longer priority on my to-do list. The idea of finishing it someday is still in my head, but so much has changed since I started writing it.
stay tuned and someday, I might surprise both of us and add more chapters. They are half-written already anyway :)

♥