[fic] Pinky Promise - chapter 8
Nov. 27th, 2010 03:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
moon_catcherTitle: Pinky Promise 8: I'll Be with You
Author:
![[info]](https://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=1){kind=small}
gina84 Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG - NC-17 (PG-15?? here)
Disclaimer: In my dreams I can own anything... otherwise they belong to each other
Summary: They made a promise. But as time goes by will they be able to keep it?
A/N1: Can be looking back a way how to move on?
Previously...
Pinky Promise 1: Seishun Amigo
Pinky Promise 2: Real Face
Pinky Promise 3: Special Happiness
Pinky Promise 4: She Said...
Pinky Promise 5: Care
Pinky Promise 6: Precious One
Pinky Promise 7: Someday for Somebody
*NEW*
8. I’ll Be with You
Hiding your wounded heart
You smiled
You were strong
I held you tightly the moment the sadness melted away
Just let out all your tears without saying anything
I’ll be with you
Beginning of July 2007, during Cartoon KAT-TUN II You concert tour
Somewhere in the back of his mind Kame heard a voice calling his name. Was it Koki? Or maybe Junno? It kind of sounded like Junno’s voice… The youngest member of KAT-TUN didn’t turn around to find out, though. He even sped up his pace through the backstage flicking off the microphone and almost throwing it to the first staff guy he ran across on his way out.
Was it only him or was the room really going out of air? He couldn’t breathe all of sudden, only gasping with every attempt at taking air into his lungs.
Kame wanted to be alone.
At least for a moment, for a few minutes to calm down. He needed his quickened heartbeat to go back to its usual pace before he would be able to face the others again.
He could easily imagine Koki’s curious questions and his worried look.
Ueda’s remarks at how he had messed up his part during MC section.
Nakamaru would have patted his shoulder, no questions just the mere gesture of unspoken support.
Well, Junno probably hadn’t noticed anything and would have acted as always.
And Jin… Of course Jin had seen what had happened, Kame’s hesitation and perplexity, because Kame had felt the older one’s look all the time and there had been a moment, just a second though but still, when Kame had been worried what Jin would have done.
But Kame didn’t need Jin’s help.
He didn’t need anyone’s help actually. He was able to stand on his own feet!
It was just that now the feet didn’t seem to be able to carry him anymore, shaking. That was the reason he was searching for a moment all alone.
No more pretending he was alright. No questions he didn’t want to answer to.
He had nothing to tell.
How should have he explained Koki or anyone else the anxiety and even the fear he felt standing on the stage looking at the audience, his eyes searching the beaming faces of nameless girls, or how his heart almost stopped every time he spotted an uchiwa with his own face printed on it? How should have he explained the fright causing his body stiffened and a shiver ran down his spine each time he saw a group of fans suddenly moving and disturbing the rest of the audience?
How should have he admitted that deep down he had been scared before and during every single concert for more than a year already?
Because no one – no one – could guarantee him that this time, this particular evening there wouldn’t be any of those so-called fans shouting at him to shut up and go away.
Kame rounded a corner and finally there was an empty hallway in front of him. The sounds from the backstage were nothing more than a muffled noise somewhere behind him. Or maybe the sounds were only a buzz in his head this time.
He didn’t care.
Leaning his back against a wall Kame closed his eyes. He slowly unbuttoned his jacket and finally took a deep breath as if the costume had been hampering him to do it before. The blood was thumping in his temples. White sparkles were flickering behind his closed eyelids. And both the beat in his head and the twinkling were making the world around him spinning round.
He stayed still for a moment, motionless, just listening to the heartbeat and breathing.
His mind was urging him to put himself together and return to his band as soon as possible because otherwise they could start looking for him.
But Kame couldn’t make himself move. Or at least move in the direction of the dressing room because he was still shaking just thinking about what had happened. Or what he had thought had happened.
Slowly… just really slowly his mind accepted the reality. Kame clenched his fists, his hands trembling. Right then he was far away from the image being shown on public. In a dark empty side hallway of the concert dome Kamenashi Kazuya was nothing but a bundle of nerves on the verge of sobbing.
The time passed wasn’t important because the once said words of hatred were burnt out into his memory and heart forever.
He wasn’t thinking of it all the time, usually able to bury those feelings deep down and pretend they had never existed. But then, in the moments like this when he was too tired and overworked, then even the tiniest pettiness could make him break down.
Kame knew he would never forget, for the rest of his life just pretending the whole last year yarakashi incident hadn’t left any aftermath on him. Hiding himself behind a mask and cheerful smiles. Because there was nothing else he could do.
He heard nearing flapping sounds of steps. Someone was approaching the shadowy corner he had chosen as a hiding place.
Shaking his head to ditch the previous thoughts away and rubbing his face Kame’s eyes flicked around looking for nothing particular until he spotted a half opened door only a few steps from him. Kame took off from the wall and quickly crossed the hallway sneaking into the room behind the door.
He left the lights turned off. The peaceful dark of the vacant locker room was giving him a feeling he could just disappear there. Never to be found.
“Disappear forever!”
A year ago, at the beginning of his nightmare, it was his fault. Kind of. The fans got upset after reading about him and Koizumi in newspapers. And some of them came to a conclusion their idol betrayed them. It was their way how to show him he had made a mistake.
That was how things worked here. The whole entertainment industry was based on a simple premise, once being an idol meant to remain squeaky clean. One had to fully dedicate himself to his fans. No personal life.
If the rule was broken, fans had the right to show their disappointment. In any way, and no one thought about it as a big deal. Just a verbal ribbing, after all, right?
“Go and die, Kamenashi!”
A bitter gibe swept across Kame’s pale face.
He, as well as everybody else, was expected to put his personal life aside or at least to live it away from the sight of public.
Fans can be such hypocrites, yearning to know every single detail of their idol’s lives, their favorite colors and food, the names of their siblings and how many pets they have at home, at what age did they get their first kiss and how should their dream girl look like. Where they would take her on a date and what are the most important qualities they always notice on a girl for the first sight. Where do they see themselves ten or twenty years from now… What color has their underwear… What do they wear going to bed…
At some point fans start to believe they have the right to know everything.
But the truth is they actually don’t want to.
They want to know about an all innocent kiss back in the elementary school. The embarrassing and quick peck shared between two curious kids. They want to hear their idols giving them advices about their love lives on the pages of magazines and they can chuckle endlessly if a part of the advice is a so-called own experience.
But the same fans get all narky finding out the own experience could be real.
Kame sighed. He was well aware of all of this.
And he was really afraid what could happen if anyone found out about Aya. Right now Aya was the most important thing in his life aside his work.
He needed her, her gentle smile and the way she always slightly touched his forearm when they were sitting at a table facing each other. The shy look in her brown eyes. Her encouraging words that somehow always found the way to his heart no matter how tired or down Kame felt at the moment.
She was giving him something he had been missing for a long, long time. Yet, in the moments like this, even Aya wasn’t enough.
She couldn’t be.
Her soft laughter, her carefree and cheerful nature, her ability to always make him feel special… that was why he liked spending time with her.
But even all of that wasn’t enough.
Not if Kame still had a memory of something else. Something that was causing him to feel delight yet was painful at the same time.
Something that still felt more real, more vivid than a hand shyly placed onto his wrist, even through the nine-months-long gap in time.
Kame sat down onto a low bench between two lines of lockers, straddling it and burying his face into his hands, his bent elbows supporting the weight being pressed into his thighs. He took a deep breath.
And another one.
At the moments like this he really hated how good his memory was, wishing for a blessed feeling of oblivion.
“Ehm, Kame?” A low voice seemed like being only an echo in his head at first yet Kame raised his head blinking at the stream of light coming from the opened door and then at the dark form standing at the entrance. “Are you alright?”
Kame sighed. “Go away.”
“Not going.”
The door closed and the room fell into the dark again. Kame felt the weight of the other body sank onto the bench in front of him. The well-known smell invaded his nostrils and he let out another silent sigh.
Yet his breathing was gradually returning to its usual pace and his hands stopped shaking. Kame slowly looked up meeting care and anxiety and worry in the dark eyes of Akanishi Jin.
“I’m here for you, Kazu.”
End of February 2006, Filming Utawara TV Show
“Argh!” With an angry howl Jin flung the door of the dressing room open and burst in, his dark eyes literally flaming with rage of helplessness. He heard the door closed behind him with a loud blow but that was only when his eyes were already flickering around the room searching for anything he could just take and smash.
Anything he could have shattered with a malicious pleasure while imagining it being Matsumoto’s stupidly grinning face.
God! If there was anyone in the whole agency Jin really couldn’t stand – aside from Johnny Kitagawa but that was something not to be doubted at all after what the old man had done – than it was his senpai Matsumoto Jun.
Egoistic and smug Matsumoto Jun.
Who the hell did he think he was?
Jin clenched his fist with an urgent intention to hit the locker he was standing by but then just puffed dropping his arm down in a jerky and tense move.
Damn Matsumoto wasn’t worth of many things and bruised or even broken knuckles were a part of the list.
Jin really hated this. Being mocked and laughed at without any chance to defend himself or even fight back. Just because Matsumoto was his senpai. Just because his band had debuted like million years ago and was now counted and treasured as one of the most successful groups within the agency, their singles always on the top of the charts, sold out concerts and him with his stupid image of a good boy wearing a suit made to measure occupying the first places in every damn popularity poll.
Compared to Matsumoto Jin was nothing. He felt like being nothing.
Well, KAT-TUN might have been just a step from finally debuting but still – the one step seemed to be a distance like between Japan and for example America, maybe even the moon actually, in the moments like this when Matsumoto was mocking at him in front of cameras and Jin had to keep as calm as he could not jumping at the grinning guy to punch him repeatedly.
His whole body was trembling in anger.
That was how Kame found him a few moments later.
“Jin?”
Jin stiffened. He wasn’t expecting anyone would go looking for him as he darted out from the studio the moment the filming ended and the director thanked them for their work. Matsumoto kept on babbling his stupid jokes, showing off his oh-so-cheerful and fucking charming side though Jin couldn’t suppress a thought that today Matsumoto must have been drunk or something because even being the prick he was he had never before let out his stupid scoffs and taunting on the screen in today’s amount, usually saving them for pestering others in backstage and hallways.
But then again, this wasn’t anyone, this was Kazuya.
His always worried and caring best friend, no matter what stupidity Jin would have done.
“Jin, are you okay?” Kame was worried.
“Fuck!” Jin blurted out hissing and gritting his teeth he forgot about his previous restrains and not giving a shit about the possibility of smashing his knuckles anymore he clenched his fist and hit the door of the nearest locker. Something broke inside him and all the helplessness and ager spurted out.
The hollow sound of the clash made Kame’s eyes blink then shot wide open immediately, mirroring the startle and anxiety the boy felt at the moment, not so much about Jin’s bones actually but rather about what could have been the reason for Jin doing something rash like that.
“JIN!” Kame shrieked, with three long steps crossing the space between them and suddenly standing right next to Jin holding onto his forearm and checking the hand for any possible harm. “Jin what –”
First not recognizing the calm and gentle voice of his best friend, his mind clouded by outrage and anger, Jin fidgeted wildly shaking Kame’s hand off.
And only with that impetuous move the effects of the punch found their way to his senses and Jin hissed again, this time because of the piercing pain. “Shit,” he bit on his lower lip closing his eyes and feeling a single tear running down his cheek.
“Let me take a look, please,” Kame once again took Jin’s hand slightly brushing over the hurting knuckles with the pad of his thumb. The tension in Jin’s hand was slowly slacking under the soothing touch. Jin took a deep breath leaning against the abused locker. His anger was fading away as if his friend’s hand could have withdrawn it from his body and let it disappear. “Is it better?” the younger boy asked worriedly looking at Jin and waiting for the other one to raise his head.
Jin was watching Kame’s finger caressing his hand, making small soft circles around reddened knuckles one by one then widening the rounds and fondling the whole back of his hand.
There was something balmy about the touch but only because it was Kame who was soothing the harm, Jin would have never let another of his band mates, or actually friends, not even Yamapi, touch him like this.
But being it Kame he didn’t mind somehow.
The touch was actually kind of pleasurable, Jin had to admit even if only to himself. Finally Jin looked up meeting Kame’s eyes. He was quite curious whether the younger one’s look would reflect his own thoughts.
But the very moment they looked at each other Kame quit the hold on Jin’s hand giving the other a half smile. He stepped back a little burying his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
Jin was childish and unreliable, selfish and in most of the situations behaved as if his smile and pouting could have fixed all the mess he usually caused. Sometimes he seemed to be lost in words yet another time Kame would have sworn Jin was more than aware or the impact his words could have had, hurting other people. But at the same time this egoistic baka could be sensitive and caring, masking his insecurity behind a stupid grin and his weakness behind a façade of an arrogant smile and an insolent acting, and his words could fix everything what was broken.
All of that was swirling on Kame’s mind while his thumb was brushing over Jin’s sore hand. An intimate touch like this was something uncommon between them, even after all those years of being best friends. It was only when they were all alone and no one could see them when Jin as if accidentally grazed his arm walking by his side or laid down putting his head onto Kame’s lap when they were sitting on a couch watching tv. It was only during those precious moments when Kame just leaned against Jin feeling a bit tired and resting his head on the latter’s shoulder or just giving him a steady gaze across the table before both of them burst into laughing, right before the whole situation could start to be awkward.
And it was only in those moments when they really didn’t have to act and pretend, just being Jin and Kame, hidden in their little world.
They had never talked about the closeness, both too embarrassed by what the other could have said, but at the same time both treasuring it as the most precious dearness they had in their lives.
Jin shook his head and enclosed the hurting hand with the other slightly rubbing the knuckles and even fingers checking whether he didn’t have any fracture.
“What was it about, Jin?” Kame asked, his eyes following every move of Jin’s hand and his heart ached at every silent hiss Jin let out.
Of course Kame had a suspicion but knew better than ask the other one straight.
Jin puffed, trying to control his emotions and not explode again. This time his hand might not come out unharmed.
“Just admit that you are really handsome.” Matsumoto’s voice echoed in Jin’s head.
Jin frowned at the still vivid memory. “You are making it hard for me.” He really tried to be as polite as he was expected to though the situation was embarrassing.
“So you really are a player, right?”
…so full of it…
“MATSUMOTO!” Ueda’s hand on his shoulder, or maybe it was Koki’s… not that Jin cared too much at the moment, his vision of the world boiled down solely to the dark haired grinning guy in front of him and nothing else.
…so full…
“Argh!” Jin groaned. “He is so full of himself!”
Kame slightly nodded. His presumption was right, this was about Matsumoto Jun. And Kame had to hold himself back not to chuckle.
He had already witnessed a zillion times how peevish Jin could get when his pride was subjected to maltreatment and he had no way how to prevent it or strike back.
“It’s Matumoto-senpai,” Kame sighed. “You knew something like that could happen. You told me, remember?”
But Jin didn’t seem listening, just mumbling something Kame couldn’t understand.
“You warned me not to provoke him because he can do or say anything if he thinks it’s funny…”
Jin once again leaned against the locker door, took a deep breath and looked at Kame. In his dark eyes there was a flash of determination and warning and Kame shivered a bit. He knew this look of Jin’s. And it never was a good sign…
“You know, Kazu,” the older one said after a while, his voice all calm and silent, not more than a whisper but hearing it caused Kame goose bumps anyway, “the only reason why I didn’t punch him today at the spot with all the cameras running is that I know KAT-TUN will debut soon. And after that…” Jin nodded with a satisfied scoff as if imagining the time a month from now, “we will be so much better than Arashi and all great Jun-senpai could do then will be sulking and envying. Because you know, one day we will make it worldwide while they will be still stuck here in Japan. Nothing but obedient puppets in the hands of the agency. But we will be so much more!”
A smile crept into Kame’s face as he was once again, as well as so many times before, listening to his best friend’s daydreaming.
It was one of Jin’s sides Kame had to admire. Jin was a dreamer, always seeing things bigger than they were or could be… and though Kame couldn’t say it aloud he considered it cute.
But Jin would have most probably killed him if he had ever found out.
“Do you remember when we were in New York?” Jin asked all of sudden. The thoughts of the bright future somehow drove away his bad mood and even the hand didn’t hurt too much anymore.
Kame frowned. That wasn’t exactly his best memory. But then nodded.
“Just imagine that,” Jin’s face brightened, “KAT-TUN holding concerts in New York. In Chicago. In L.A.! Doesn’t it sound wonderful?”
“We haven’t even debuted yet, Jin,” Kame mumbled. The idea of concert tour overseas didn’t sound as appealing to him as Jin probably thought it would.
Not that Jin minded right then, too absorbed in his own fantasy. “But we will. And the first thing I’ll make sure of will be Matsumoto Jun apologizing me.”
Kame chuckled. “When we debut Matsumoto Jun will be the least of your problems, believe me.” For a moment Kame let himself be carried away a bit. Sometimes it was hard to believe they really had a date set for their debut. Finally…
He came to Jin patting his shoulder. “Because when we debut, everything will change…”
Beginning of July 2007, during Cartoon KAT-TUN II You concert tour
Jin might have not been the smartest one. He might have not understood jokes if they were too intellectual and he usually needed a moment to think about what had been said to him before came up with a meaningful answer. During shows he might have been supposed to be the one with silly remarks while making grimaces just because it was easier than giving him time to think up a witty response.
In the beginning Jin didn’t mind too much, being all excited about becoming a part of the entertainment industry as he had always dreamt of, and when the realization slowly got on his senses there was no way back anymore. The roles for every member of the group had been already assigned and he couldn’t just come and say he wanted to change the one he got.
Well, Jin didn’t know and didn’t understand a lot of things, partly never needing to understand them and partly being too drowned into his own world most of the time.
But then there was something he had never missed. The details that seemed to be too imperceptible for the others to notice them. The small wrinkle right above Kame’s nose when the younger one was trying to concentrate on something that was far beyond his capability yet he wanted to manage it though. The blush in his face while being caught in doing something embarrassing that he was always trying to hide behind constraint laughter. His restless hands playing with a microphone during concerts when it wasn’t his part of a song or during shows when he wasn’t the one being asked. The sparkles in his eyes when someone asked him about baseball.
And how the bright gentle eyes darkened and got lifeless every time Kame came on the stage and looked into the audience for the first time.
He had never forgotten.
And the same went for Jin, with every concert preparing himself mentally for defending Kame no matter what. Not that he could do much more than cheering the rest of the fans, those who knew how to behave, to be louder and talk down the annoying yarakashi section, to come over to Kame and place his hand on the other’s shoulder to show him support, or to take a deep breath and shout his lungs out screaming at them that they were noisy. He could only send nonverbal signals to Maru and Koki pleading them to cut short the MC parts and just sing. And if Kame all stressed up of what could happen next forgot the lyrics and sang them wrong Jin just turned himself into his baka self singing his own lines wrong, too.
When the bashing started a year and half ago Jin and Kame hadn’t been already talking to each other but even that couldn’t stop Jin from standing by the younger one’s side. Not talking no way meant also not caring.
That had held before and the time hadn’t changed it.
They were once again not talking to each other, with Kame keeping a distance and building up a barrier showing Jin at every opportunity he didn’t need him and that they couldn’t go back where they used to be and with Jin having still a lot of things to catch up with and feeling insecure even afraid he could inadvertently blab out something he was forbidden to talk about if he stayed near the other one.
But what was being shown on the surface couldn’t overlay the instinctual need embedded deep inside Jin, the voice that kept telling him to protect Kame no matter what. To care about him and soothe his worries and pains.
The moment the concert ended and Kame disappeared into the backstage without a word Jin knew something was wrong.
Jin might have not been the smartest one and needed things to be explained him twice sometimes, but if it was about Kazuya no words were needed.
If it was about Kazuya Jin knew much more than anyone else ever would.
“I’m here for you, Kazu.”
Jin… Kame gulped, his whole body shivered as if meeting something really cold. Akanishi Jin, still wearing his stage costume as he followed Kame without hesitation or thinking about it, was sitting right in front of him, worried.
If it was about Kazuya Jin usually let his instincts talk down his brains. Which actually led them right into the point where they were now.
Not talking.
Ignoring each other.
Sitting face to face in a dark room.
Being hurt.
“I don’t need you,” Kame sighed.
“I know,” Jin whispered closing his eyes for a moment. A sharp pain stung inside his chest. Of all his fears and nightmares seeing Kame like this was the worst one. “Do you want me to go and send someone else?” – Do you want me to send Koki? – “I could…” Jin gulped. His fists clenched on their own lying on his lap. “What happened? Have you seen something? Someone?”
After a while Kame slowly shook his head. And only when Jin thought the gesture was an answer for his question Kame looked up, his eyes red and teary yet cold and piercing.
“Why do you care, Jin?”
“Eh?”
Kame sniffed. He licked his lip, his eyes roaming over the latter’s face searching for something not knowing what exactly he wanted to find there.
“Why do you care now when you don’t have to?”
“Because I’m your friend and I’m worried. Because I promised to always be here for you once.”
A bitter chuckle escaped Kame’s lips.
He couldn’t go on with this. Not today, not when he was tired and on the verge of breaking down with his nerves strung and his mind not cooperating at all. Come on, he had even seen things that hadn’t been there during the concert, hearing fans screaming bashing and hateful blames again and one moment he could have sworn he had seen an uchiwa with a strikeout over the picture of him on it!
Kame shuddered at the memory.
He really wasn’t in the best state for talking to Jin, or actually for being in the same room with him.
Not when Jin was impudent enough to appeal to his sensibilities reminding him of the past.
As if he needed any reminders!
“Yeah, Jin,” Kame sneered, “you promised. You and your fucking promises!” Right then Kame had enough, not able to think clearly anymore. The words he had been keeping inside for so long just burst out without him having chance to stop them. He shot an angry look at the older one. “You can take them and go to hell and –”
“Kazu–” Jin held his breath shocked by the other’s outburst because of all the things he had been thinking about coming here and seeing Kame the last one had been of him becoming a lightning conductor for flashes of Kame’s white-hot rage.
“– and I really hope you will enjoy it as much as I did. Because waiting for your damn call that never came was exactly that, Jin. Damn. And thinking about what happened, trying to find the reason for your sudden decision… Can you imagine how many times I did come to a conclusion you left because of me?”
…because of you…
To protect you.
But that was something Kame would never know.
Jin reached for Kame’s hand but the other immediately shied.
Say I was wrong. Say there was another reason…
But Jin kept silent and Kame took it as an answer.
“But it’s not important now, right?” Kame tried his voice to sound as distant and cold as possible but in the end the words came out nothing like that. A long time ago he had learnt how to lie because with the work and lifestyle of his lying was something necessary, but he had never known how to lie to Jin. His body and especially eyes always betrayed him. So he just lowered his head again to avoid looking at the other. “I said I need neither you nor anything you could say anymore, Akanishi!” Kame hissed through gritted teeth. He was trembling again, but this time it was anger and painful memories of the first weeks after Jin’s sudden leaving what possessed his body.
He had promised himself never to think back about those times, never to talk to Jin about it because any conversation about this topic couldn’t have had another ending than an argument. Ignoring the older one seemed to be better idea than to fight with him. But now they were alone in the same room and Jin was talking about friendship… and Kame couldn’t even remember the last time the two of them really were just friends.
Somewhere along the way the friendship had changed into a need and then even into… this.
Is it possible to be nothing and everything at the same time? Because that was exactly how Kame felt towards the older boy.
And he didn’t know what of that should have he hated more.
Tonight it was just too much on him. He wasn’t ready. And he actually doubted he would ever be ready… but Jin was sitting here and Kame couldn’t make himself stop.
“You left!”
Jin was waiting, his throat contracted. A voice in his head was telling him to stop it before one or the other would say something they could regret afterwards.
“You left and you can’t think everything is the same. You know, we don’t need you, KAT-TUN doesn’t need Akanishi Jin and so do I.”
This was the right time to think the following words through, to think every word through. But Jin didn’t want to, keeping one secret from Kame was already more than enough. If he wanted them to start over, sincerity was the right choice. “What if it’s the other way round, what if I need you? All of you…?” Jin gulped not daring to look forward at the other because with words like those there was a big possibility he got Kame’s attention.
“I don’t need you, I don’t –” Kame kept repeating with obstinacy focusing on nothing but how much he needed not to give in now but Jin’s words finally reaching his senses cut the string of his stubborn refusing. He blinked at Jin, then again.
And then the wall he had built got a rent as a shadow of regret and an unspoken plea for forgiveness in Jin’s low voice found its way to Kame’s ears, senses and even heart.
Unconsciously Jin shuffled on the bench closing the distance between their bodies. His hand reached for Kame once again being placed on his bent knee. And Jin was waiting for a reaction, a part of him expecting Kame would sweep the hand away. Instead Kame hesitantly put his own hand over Jin’s and after a moment started gently rubbing it with his thumb.
“Kame?” The touch caused Jin goose bumps and the small hair on the back of his neck bristled, because so much as the touch could look simple and pure in reality was everything but that.
“I can’t need you,” Kame whispered biting his lip. “If I let you get closer and you left again,” he ceased caressing the back of Jin’s hand looking at it then raised his head meeting Jin’s eyes flicking nervously in misgiving and with a sigh shook his head. “I can’t Jin, I can’t lose you again…” Kame closed his eyes taking a deep breath. He felt a bit dizzy and his heart once again started beating faster. Jin’s hand on his knee was warm and the mere touch felt much real than anything Kame had felt in a long, long time.
“You won’t,” Jin’s assuring voice was talking to him, or maybe Kame only heard what he wanted to, turning the reality into the dream he had dreamt so many times and forgetting about where they were and everything what had happened between them.
Right now all Kame wanted was to forget, to really forget.
This time it was Kame who lessened the distance between them, their knees touching at the both sides of the bench, Jin’s hand still lying on Kame’s leg being covered by the latter’s warm and smooth.
And Jin knew he should stop it, being it anything, he should just stop it before it would be too late. He should stand up and maybe even say something that would throw them back into the not talking state…because this, Kame so close to him and the growing knot twisting around his guts and the frantic breathing, all of this was wrong. It had to be wrong because otherwise everything they had been through could be for nothing.
By that time Kame had already crawled onto Jin’s lap somehow, Jin hadn’t noticed being drowned in thoughts about how to prevent a possible injudicious move like this one, and when he realized the feeling of the slender body on his chest it was already too late, Kame’s legs straddling his waist and his face buried in the crook of Jin’s neck.
“I can’t lose you again,” Kame mumbled against Jin’s skin, his hands entwined in the dark strands of the older one’s hair.
Jin felt Kame kissed his shoulder through the fabric of his shirt and shivered. Gathering the shatters of his sanity, since anything what Kame was doing on his shoulder and side neck at the moment was making him want nothing else but squeeze the younger one in his arms and never let go of him, Jin halfheartedly tried to pull Kame back. But the only effect was that Kame circled his hands around his neck holding on him and silently moaning in discomfort.
“Kame, please,” Jin pleaded feeling the waves of sensation running through his body and he knew it wouldn’t last long and he wouldn’t be able to stop it anymore. He had wanted this for so long, having Kame in his arms again, no matter how much his mind had tried to persuade him of the opposite his body had never forgotten.
And even if it had, right now Kame was doing a good job with reminding him of it.
“Just…just a moment, Jin, this little…moment,” Kame was mumbling, now nibbling on Jin’s neck and Jin had to hold his breath.
“Kazu, wait, think about Aya,” Jin made the last attempt at precluding whatever was about to come. But he knew it would be for nothing, saying the name aloud and reminding Kame the things between them could never be the same couldn’t stop anything. Deep down he knew there was no way back now. There never was one… But Jin knew he would have hated himself if he at least hadn’t tried. “Think about Aya, she is your girlfriend…”
“But she is not here,” Kame let out a hot breath against Jin’s ear the same moment when his hips instinctively moved. “And I need you.”
Jin immediately responded with a moan, his hands tugging at the jacket of Kame’s costume, and he lost the thought about Aya, the one about how possibly insane they both were not able to learn from their own mistakes, and even the one threatening him with the possible consequences…
Kame was urging Jin on, the moves of his hips quickening and he groaned feeling Jin started bucking against him causing more friction for the both of them. Jin was holding Kame pressing their bodies together, his eyes closed at the rapidly growing sensation.
Somehow even Kame knew, through the haze of his agitation, this wasn’t right, not like this and not at a place like this, not when Jin most probably didn’t want to and was literally forced… but Kame didn’t care. He was no more able to think clearly enough to stop. He might have been out of his mind and selfish, using Jin's weakness in the most wicked way, but the only thing that mattered now for him was his need to forget, to not think about what had happened tonight, to not feel the pain that had been devouring him for so long already. And everything else... he would deal with it later...somehow.
He sucked at Jin’s neck then arched bulging his hips and rubbing against the other’s groin, feeling Jin’s arousal and only that alone made Kame moan again. His hands once again found Jin’s hair, running through the thick strands, fisting at them every now and then when the pleasure seemed to be just too much.
Jin couldn’t stop his hips thrusting up while his hands were pressing on Kame’s back desperately trying to get more, more…
“Kame,” Jin muttered closing his eyes and opening them again he met the brown orbs of the younger one, only this time darkened to almost black.
Kame gasped for air and his eyes widened in surprise as Jin’s hands on his back made him slump and a bolt of electricity swept across his whole body up to the tips of his fingers. He looked at Jin giving him a dull look, and with another Jin’s thrust up Kame let out a helpless sound, his body tensed, he grasped at Jin’s hair roughly while moving hips a bit faster.
Jin was looking at the surprised expression in the face right in front of him, the startle and a bit fright in those dark eyes, the shaking parted lips, and when Kame threw his head back crying out Jin didn’t need to ask to know this was the first time Kame experienced something like this.
Jin held the younger boy tight watching as the tension of his body slowly loosened and Kame sank against his chest once again burying his flushed face into Jin’s shoulder. He was panting, his hands shakily locked around Jin’s neck. Kame nuzzled closer and that move reminded Jin he was still hard and only when he wanted to sneak his hand between their bodies and take care of it Jin felt hot tears soaking into his t-shirt.
Kame’s pants had turned into sobs and the grip around Jin’s neck tightened.
Closing his eyes and taking a breath to gain control of his own aroused body Jin raised one hand and put it onto Kame’s head, slowly caressing the sweaty hair.
“It’s okay,” Jin mumbled turning his head a little and placing a soft kiss onto Kame’s cheek, “I’m here, Kazu, and I’m not going anywhere…”
The younger boy sniffed nestling up to the well-known heat of the other body, the only place where he had always felt safe.
”Promise you won’t leave me again…”
---
Next part: Pinky Promise 9: Lost
A/N2: Seems this fic is (this time officially) going on a hiatus because I have to focus on my disseration thesis right now and Akame angst is making it pretty much difficult, gomen :( Anyway, I'll try to post next chapter as a Christmas gift, ne? :))
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Date: 2010-11-27 07:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 11:27 am (UTC)Good luck with your dissertation! You'll do great my dear stalker!
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Date: 2010-11-27 12:38 pm (UTC)Thanks for your support. I'm seriously starting to panic.... but well, I have no other option than to finish the thesis no matter what.. *sighs*
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Date: 2010-11-27 04:37 pm (UTC)Sometimes fans are scaring :|
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Date: 2010-11-27 01:20 pm (UTC)This fic...
I have no words, really...
AMAZING.....
Thank you....
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Date: 2010-11-27 05:09 pm (UTC)good to know I'm not writing it only for myself:)no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-27 06:10 pm (UTC)Anyway this chapter was good. I'd like relationship between Jin and Kame there. It's bitter sweet I think. Like in a real life. Nobody is perfect, right? And they're not perfect in this too.
Great job Gina-chan, and ganbatte on your universitet! We will be waiting for you :)
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Date: 2010-11-27 06:54 pm (UTC)And the fans... well, I'm still not sure if we should still call them "fans". It literally broke my heart when I read about it back then. I don't get how they can be so selfish wanting the boys not to have their own lives. Oh come on, being a fan means to wish the best the one I like, ne?
Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, lj and my friends here are too important for me to leave them/you completely. I just need not to write all this angst because it's breaking my heart with every chapter T_T
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Date: 2010-11-27 08:51 pm (UTC)thank you very much :)
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Date: 2010-11-27 09:06 pm (UTC)yeah, fans... I got kind of
pissed offdisappointed with their behavior (again) and needed to give it a vent..O.ohappy you enjoyed the reading!
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Date: 2010-11-28 11:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-28 02:49 pm (UTC)this chapter was really hard to write because of the things that happened ther :(( and you are right, the fact we actually KNOW Kame will eventually alone again is not helping at all *sighs*
thanks for your support. I'll try to finish next chap for Christmas :)
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Date: 2010-11-30 06:36 pm (UTC)i really love this fic...it's my favourite...
update soon ne...
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Date: 2010-11-30 10:12 pm (UTC)never thought my fic could be someone's fav.. yayI'll try to finish next chapter for Christmas... *sighs* blame school for the long intervals between posts :(
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Date: 2010-11-30 09:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-30 10:14 pm (UTC)Really hope to post next chap for Christmas :)